Into the vortex

“Hello darkness my old friend, I’ve come to talk with you again”.

Watching a dog die is truly awful. We have the power to let them sleep. At this point I want to comment on all of those people who pat you on the back when your dog or horse becomes ill and then knowingly tell you that “you will know when it is time”. I really abore that phrase. What an absolute load of tosh.

Does anything ever prepare you for that moment when you ask the vet to put your best friend to sleep?

There can be no preparation.The vortex will inevitably overwhelm you as they slide away.

My dog died a few days before Christmas. He was ill, I knew it was coming, I had weeks to prepare for the inevitable but I was not. How could I possibly be after 14 years of living with him?

As he became sick I started to realise just how awful it would be without him.

The vortex was inevitable as I watched him slide out of a barely conscious state into death.

I tried very hard not to break down as he went but quite frankly it is always impossible. Immediately after the vortex swallows all your emotions. It feels like numbness, but you are never really numb. Your body starts to pick up on your stress and goes into hyperdrive. Every part of your body starts thrumming and drumming and every ache is deep and demanding.

The pain of it all is overwhelming and insistent and with each hour it becomes compounded.

I have lost dogs at all times of the year, and once even a horse but at this time of year it is cruel and mean.

People are celebrating, the season is joyous and warm. But for those of us that are grieving we feel none of this-we just feel the thrum of misery and the toll it is taking on the body.

Eating and drinking are not possible. Restlessness, difficulty focusing , anxiety attacks and abject misery-these are just a few of the things to cope with in the days and weeks immediately after that moment.


That is it. I will miss him forever. Run fast little boy

2 thoughts on “Into the vortex

  1. There are no words to say that will comfort you Pennie at such a devastating time. Your words are strong and poignant. True and to the core. I am thinking of you. Grief is painful and often lasting. Sending our love.


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